I have a certain curiosity about the world around me… I need to know how things work. Regardless of the scope or dimension of a thing, I can’t stand to have it function before my eyes without knowing the inner workings. This holds true for the smallest constituent of matter to the largest conglomeration of the cosmos and includes everything in between. As a child I would have said this curiosity was insatiable… evidenced by the fact that very few things were spared from my propensity to disassemble. Reassembly was not always my strong suit but after a lifetime of being scorn for such behavior, I have had to learn, to both: resist the urge and become more adept at putting things back together. As technology has progressed… things have gotten cheaper, more brittle and, unless I am mistaken… booby trapped by the manufacturers. So it seems that all the forces of society conspire against this kind of curiosity and actively discourage us hands-on types.
I have never been particular comfortable in an academic setting… though I muddled my way through quite a bit of it. It was the thing to do… it is what was expected of me and has given me credentials to earn more money than I would have had I not gone that route. I was exposed to literature and concepts which I might not have been exposed to otherwise… and for that I am grateful. However, with respect to the science and mathematics that I spent so much blood, sweat and tears to learn… I can remember nothing of it. Not only can’t I remember the details but when faced with learning anew, this same subject matter today, I find no shortening of the learning curve… no benefits from ever having know it. I find this fact both ironic and upsetting. What a colossal waste of time and money!
Though the world has taken it’s toll on my curiosity and society has yielded little time to devote to such impractical matters, there exists a yearning deep within my soul to discover the universe. I hear voices in the back of my mind telling me that such fruitless endeavors are indulgent and not productive. Knowing how the world works will not make me wealthy or allow me to retire young. The fact that no matter how much time and effort I devote into these pursuits, nothing I can unveil will compare to those persons who have devoted their lives to these subjects. The level of mathematical training required to understand, let alone contribute to the cutting-edge subject matter requires years of formal training, built upon some sort of organic talent. Unless I had some sort of freakish aptitude for mathematics… which I don’t seem to… getting there is impossible at this point.
So what? Why even bother? Why don’t I try to find something which suits my talents better? Something for which my unique way of thinking can be better utilized? Something which can even make me wealthy? The truth is: I can find nothing which interests me or holds my attention like the universe. Maybe it’s the fact that it is at the threshold of my abilities which makes it so tasty? Maybe it’s the fact that the conventional wisdom is convinced that I can’t do it? or am I just oblivious to the concept of futility and have some sort of self-destructive psycho-pathology? Who knows?
